I feel like I have a lot to say. I'm not sure where to start but I guess I'll share what has been the most significant change for me.
When I started this blog, I shared a lot from the perspective of a christian woman, which I am not anymore, however still a woman. This change was not overnight, although I do feel like maybe it was bound to happen. Am I surprised by this change? no. Why? because when you grow up asking God to change or heal things that hurt and he doesn't you can't help but hold on to disappointment.
Now before I delve deeper into this spiritual shift, I do want to clarify that un-labeling myself as christian does not mean that I no longer believe in God. I believe that he still exists, I've just drawn a line in what I believe he is capable of doing for me, which leads me back to the part about me being disappointed. I have been raised most of my life to believe that if I pray, fast, sing, worship, go to church, believe in Jesus that God will "bless me" and that he will make my life better. I came to have these expectations of God. I expected some sort of deliverance, but it never came. I expected God to not just save my soul but save me from people who didn't care about protecting me. My soul was saved but I wasn't and that wasn't enough for me. What good was it for my soul to be saved if physically God wouldn't save me from the people who kept hurting me?
I feel as though I have been fed lies to some extent and it pisses me off. I can't bring myself to pray. I can't bring myself to listen to gospel music. I can't bring myself to associate with anything related to Christianity.
I've lost hope in who God can be for me. I've lost hope in what he can do for me. I've lost a lot and i'm tired of losing at the expense of my heart breaking.
Will I ever trust God again?
Will he ever answer?
I'm done losing pieces me.
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