Dear Us

I will never have the answers. I'm learning how to be okay with that. I'm learning how to remain emotionally and mentally courageous even when confusion attempts to stir up a whirlwind. At the expense of learning hard lessons I'm realizing that I am literally winging it in this life. There is no manual. There is no how to on how to live the best life possible. I don't know why it has taken me thirty - seven years of living to finally realize this. It is completely hitting me at this very moment why I need to give myself more credit. I've truly been hard on myself. Maybe you have to. We both do not have the blueprint on how life will end for either of us so let's make a pack. Let's promise that each day when we wake up that the best that we give that day will be enough for ourselves. 

At night when we lay in bed we will not ruminate over all the things that went wrong. Instead we will have compassion, grace and be pleased with ourselves because we are doing the best with what we have and what we know. We will no longer hate ourselves or the lives we've lived up until now. Even if things are not how you want them to be at the moment we both still have time to make right some of the wrongs we've had to deal with.

We are capable. We are not a burden. We are intelligent, loving, caring creative beings simply trying to live and love the best way we know how. Let's not apologize for that.

The joy of possibilities

 I'm beginning to feel and realize that the greatest loss in one's life, is the loss of possibilities. It makes me wonder what would have happened if those who had un-alive'd themselves had realized that they had more than one possibility to choose from would they still be here today?. 

I know that there are circumstances that one can experience that will make someone feel as though there is no other way. One will begin to feel and believe that things will never change. However to whoever is reading this, I just want to give a short encouragement. Things can be different. If you choose to live out each day you will find yourself overcoming obstacles that you never saw coming if you believe in your ability to make it through. 

Part of living this life is having to choose what you will believe about you and the life you are living. If you believe that your life sucks, it will. It will show up in how you think and how you feel. However if you choose to believe that you can withstand the daily emotional and mental jabs that come to seek your demise you will find victory in not giving up. You will find new growth and new strength and new possibilities. 

You were mad precious and valuable. Don't believe the lie that things will never change. Don't believe the lie that you've ran out of possibilities. These possibilities are ever new. Welcome to a new era my friend. 

My beef w/ God.

 I want to blame God for everything. It feels easy. It gives a reason for the inexplicable. My life has always seemed to be revolved around a series of inexplicable, unfortunate events. It feels easy to want to blame God for the death of my father and for having the boy father that he was. It feels easy to blame God for not having enough money to support my mother and I. It feels easy to blame God for the reason why we haven't had a place to call our own. It feels easy to blame God for the kind of life I've had thus far.  It feels easy to blame God for the reason why I haven't made any money off of my e-book. It feels easy to blame, God for the fact that even though I am working 40hrs a week, financially it's still not enough. "If God loves me and see's my circumstances then why doesn't he help?" If he can claim that true religion is helping the fatherless and widower then why hasn't he sent anyone to help us? 

My fear wants to blame God. My sense of helplessness wants to blame God. My anxiety wants to blame God. My depression want to blame God. My desperation want to blame God. My unhappiness wants to blame God. My flesh is pissed. However do you want to know what's Ironic though?  As I am typing I am listening to worship music. My spirit feels extremely fed and encouraged listening to worship music although my flesh wants to live in deep bitterness and resentment towards God. In all honesty I'm not sure how well I'm doing existing within the tension of my spirit enjoying the presence and closeness to God and my flesh wanting to be at war with God. Some days my faith feels like a joke, other days my faith gives me the ability to go off on God use some rather charged language because my faith tell me that he will listen and that he can handle my anger. 

Will things ever get better? Who knows. Apart of me wants to believe that things will change eventually. 

The toxic family unit no one talks about

I've been wanting to write something for a while now but nothing I had to say felt meaningful. Nothing I had to say felt impactful during those times in which I wanted to write and share with you all. However at last I feel as though I have something worth sharing.

 I've come to the realization that there are a lot people out there who are so self aware within their family unit that when relatives who have unintentionally caused trauma to this self aware person in the family, that at some point, he/she will get so pushed to the edge ( Mentally and emotionally) by these relatives; the only thought in their mind is the idea of their relatives being deceased. Moreover he/she can also at times have thoughts about themselves being deceased because he/she have reached the capacity on how much negativity one can tolerate from a toxic and dysfunctional family unit. 

I'm not sure why there hasn't been enough conversations about toxic family units in which where emotional and mental abuse and neglect exist. It seems as though people have shrugged this issue under the rug, so much as to say that because they are family, this topic of emotional and mental abuse shouldn't be talked about. People don't talk about mothers and fathers who emotionally and mentally oppress their children. To these parents these children are simply an extension of them and cannot perceive their own children's individual identity. 

Some children who grow up in these toxic environments often begin to feel emotionally and mentally oppressed especially as they transition into adulthood if they are still within close proximity to those same toxic relatives. A lot goes unsaid about adult children who have suffered at the expense of those who were emotionally and mentally neglectful towards them. Adult children who have experienced toxic familial relationships are often made to questioning themselves in regards to their identity and their value in this world. What's even more appalling is the fact that now that they're adults they are now forced to take on roles and responsibilities that they probably don't feel ready for.

A lot of Adult children may end up having jobs and families of their own but deep down they are still trying to figure out what makes them valuable, what does love look like and can they become the love they didn't receive? or if are they smart enough, is their creativity good enough to give back to society? so so and so forth. These adult children are constantly questioning themselves because they were never affirmed, they were never taught to have a positive perspective of themselves And this is just one of the issues that some adult children struggle with and I'm sure the struggle looks different for a lot of these adult children.

if you are one of those adults who grew up emotionally and mentally neglected by your parents or have had negative familial relationships with siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles...I am sorry and you deserved better. You deserved to have been respected, heard, loved and protected by those who were suppose to be your family. I hope in this season of your life, you find the mental and emotional healing from your traumatic experience. May the fire of your love for self and life never cease to burn. 

You need You

 Love yourself through your mistakes. Whether those mistakes are intentional or unintentional. We live in a world where some people will condemn you for the same mistakes that they have made. Show yourself the same mercy and grace that you would show the next person. Comfort yourself the way you would others. Have your own back. Show up for yourself. Have in mind that you deserve the love, that you give to others. Stop putting yourself last. Stop being the last person who reaps the benefits of your own growth. You keep trying to show others just how good you are for them only to realize that you will never be enough. Be good for you. Be enough for you. 

Darling, it's time that you give yourself the gift that you've been trying to give to others. What is that? I'm glad you ask. It's the you that you've been trying to give to others. How about that? 
Hey you, may you live yourself to yourself. 

Still Here

 Many of us have lived long enough now to know that at times you can be dealt with life's toughest circumstances. Nothing can prepare you for what you didn't know. Nothing can prepare you for what you now know you should have had. Nothing prepares you for what you didn't see coming. Often times what we didn't know or was unable to foresee can burden us. We can't help but ask questions that begin with " What if..." or "Why did..." in hope that on the other side of those questions is a ready made answer for our toughest battles. Often times hopelessness, disappointment, depression and loneliness rear their ugly heads in the mist of our sufferings and we buckle in their presence.

If you're like me nothing has gone your way. Your life has not been perfect. You've had a lot to overcome. You've survived the betrayal, you've survived the broken friendships, you've survived the suicide, you've survived the lack of support you thought you needed. You've survived being rejected, you've survived being misunderstood, and now you're asking " I've survived all..but now what?" I don't know what that answer is for you might be but for me, it's been transformation. 

May this year (2022)  be a year where you are able to overcome not just yourself, but the darkness in your life that has been void of light and love. May you get a revelation of yourself that will pivot you in the direction of your healing and growth. You've buckled in the presence of hopelessness, disappointment, depression and loneliness for too long. Get up. You're still here champ. 

The Trauma of Neglect

 There's a trauma that comes with being emotionally neglected as a child. When you become an adult it seems as if the only person really living is the traumatized version of yourself who refuses to disappear. No matter how I think about it, the feeling of being neglected is not an easy feeling to part from once one becomes aware of how crippling it actually is. For instance, I have this terrible fear of rejection and I've had it for years and it wasn't until today that I realized that my fear of rejection stemmed from me often feeling emotionally neglected. Neglect has made me tremble at the sight of rejection. This thief named neglect has made me make stupid decisions that should have never been made. Neglect stole my ability to make healthy decisions, it stole my ability to be courageous, joyful, content.  It has become this monstrous beast who seems to follow me in my every day life. My hope is that one day I'll have conquered this beast. That I'll have see this thief as a distant memory.

I have no solution or advice but to the girl who grew up feeling emotionally neglected I would just like to say that I am sorry and that you are worthy of every ounce of love, joy, peace and contentment. I hope you dream until your heart feels like it's going to burst. May your love always be reciprocated and never rejected. May your creativity bring light not just to others but also to yourself.