Who am I?

I have finally come to the realization that having an identity in relation to others is meaningless. I think that yes it can be great to be known as someone's friend, sister, brother, uncle, aunt, daughter, son, so forth and so on but at the end of the day, those relationships don't always last. Unfortunately those relationships can crumble at any given moment in time, and for some those relationships are beyond reconciliation.

I think we love to assume that the relationships we have with other people are relationships that are incapable of being broken or disappearing.

I personally have had to learn the harsh lesson of finding out that placing my identity in who I was in relationship with ( whether romantic, platonic or familial) was not a healthy thing to do. I didn't even realize that it was something that I was subconsciously doing. I think because I had lived a life of constantly experiencing rejection that I thought that if I was in any form of relationship with someone then that would mean that I was accepted and loved. I eventually found out that I was extremely wrong. I learned that it was possible to be connected and still not be known.

I think that more than anything, I just wanted to be seen. I wanted to seen in the totality of who I knew myself to be but couldn't find a single soul who would take the time to get to know me that the way I wanted to. It was hurtful, disappointing and heart breaking. That's not to say that those people are bad, that's just to say that it didn't get to workout that way. I think about it now and I think that it was good that it turned out that way because I would have never known, nor understood the depths of value there is to be found in having an identity in Christ.

When I sat alone in my room devastated one day, I was left alone having to ask myself who was I outside of these relationships that never seemed to last. There was only one identity that I realized that never changed, even though I hadn't invested in it as much as I should have and that was a child of the most the most high God. That day I sat devastated in my room I had to reassess what I was doing wrong. I had to ask myself "why was I constantly experiencing rejection?". I realized that I kept making people the goal for all that I wanted and was. I kept placing my heart in hands that weren't capable of shaping it and molding it for the better. I kept expecting people to raise me, love me, grow me and pour into me as if they had the manual on who I was and they didn't.

When you have experienced constant rejection as I have, it becomes traumatizing. Every time I felt hurt or betrayed by someone I kept expecting a person to fix the damage that another person caused. I found out that people don't have the power to fix the wrongs and damage that other people have caused, but Jesus..he does. I finally found out that I can trust God to restore every ounce of joy and peace and hope that I was sucked out of me.

I can trust God to heal me from the inside out. I can trust God to give me a new life beginning from the inside out because I am child of God. I belong to him. He'll never leave me and he'll never forsake (Deuteronomy 31:6)

I know where my identity should lie now because of those broken relationships. I can look forward to being a version of myself that I needed. A version of myself that is necessary and a version of myself that is needed for my future. May you also come to the revelation of your identity in Christ Jesus. It will shift you in a way that you didn't know that you needed. Grace and Peace.

What does being christian look like?!?!? 🤔

So, this is probably going to be my most vulnerable post thus far..bare with me.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be christian and what it looks like to be christian. Most of us already know that by definition a Christian is someone who believes in Jesus. But what does being christian look like?.  I've had to rethink and reassess what being christian can look like for me. I've had to come to terms with the fact that my christian walk isn't going to look like that one popular christian artist or christian social media influencer and that it was okay. I've had to accept that everybody who is christian is in a different place than me when it comes to their relationship with Jesus. I think for me that realization was the most disappointing truth I've had to constantly remember and accept time and time again. I feel like having to to acknowledge and remember that has made me feel a bit lonely because it has made me feel like either I'll never be able to connect with someone who is christian because their walk is different or that I'll never be good enough to connect with someone who's relationship with Jesus is deeper than mine because I'm not where they are ( but of course that's not true).

Because of having such insecure feelings I've often wondered, am I not connected to other believers because I don't fast as often like that they do? Is it because I cuss sometimes? Is because I'm not as "souled out" for Jesus as they are? ( whatever that means). I've often been made to feel like by people that being christian was what I did or didn't do. I know I don't have a perfect picture cut image of what being christian is when it comes from the perception of people. I am well aware of my flaws mishaps and insecurities, so again, what does  being christian look like then?

 As much as I've wanted to be accepted and acknowledged by other Christians and connected to other Christians so that I could see what they were doing because deep down I was looking for a blue print. But I'm learning that my being christian so far, had nothing to do with connecting with other Christians but everything to do with having a relationship with Jesus. Having a relationship with the father is what kept me Christian. It was having a relationship with Jesus and reading the bible is what kept me believing and has kept me believing thus far.

Now if some way or some how, I end up in community with other Christians...great, but if I don't that's still great. I'm learning that being christian has everything to do with where my heart is with Jesus. I think that whatever "being' christian looks like in the eyes of man will never be similar to what it actually is. It just feels like  now a days there has a to be a look, A certain criteria  and there's not enough acknowledgement about the type of Christianity where there is struggle to fast, or that there is a struggle to not have sex before marriage, so forth and so on.

You may not look like what being christian is in the eyes man...but God see's you as his believing baby boy or baby girl. My hope and prayer is that if you're like me, you'll eventually get past what you or others have thought what you should look like being christian. 

Grace and Peace.